I didn't sign up for this.

My heart is breaking. When we decided to move to Rangely, we knew it was the right decision. We prayed about it and felt like it was the right decision for our family. Well, if it's the right decision, things are supposed to fall into place, right? WRONG! It's not that things haven't worked out. The problem is that I am a worrier. I worry over everything and it drives me crazy. I almost can't stand being in my own skin when I feel like I do now.

Our house has been on the market for about a month. Not a terribly long time, but we have a time crunch here! Eight people have come to look at it, and we have gotten one offer, which we turned down because we just couldn't even work with it. I will admit, our house needs a little work on the inside. The outside looks good, but it could use some new flooring, and when people buy a house, they want it to look good!

I am so bummed because I talked to a local contractor the other day, and he said instead of taking a really low offer we ought to re-do the kitchen and flooring, then up the price significantly. While this sounds like a good idea because we will probably make some extra money on the house, it really makes me sad. If we did that it would mean Chris and I would be separated. He would go work in Rangely, and I would stay here with the kids to sell the house. When I even so much as think of the words, my eyes well up with tears. I never wanted to be a single parent. I know how hard it is. I was raised my a single mother. I see moms struggle everyday in raising their kids by themselves. I honestly don't know if I can do it. Then the thought of Chris traveling that long drive by himself scares me too. There is a mountain overpass, and it really freaks me out. I didn't sign up for this!

We have prayed and fasted and gone to the temple. I know Heavenly Father is mindful of us. I know He can see the eternal perspective. I know I will look back at this and it will be a small wrinkle in my life. I know there are others out there who would be grateful if their worst worry was selling a house. But at the same time my stomach is in knots all day long. I am constantly in a state of worry and anxiety, and just to warn you, don't ask me about it if you see me because I break down at the drop of a hat.

Braxton's Trip

Braxton really had a blast on his trip out East. I was afraid that he was going to get homesick, but he really didn't. His teacher said he could call as much as he wanted from her cell phone, and at first he did. The very first thing he told me after he landed in Boston is that the pigeons were HUGE! He took about 100 pictures of birds throughout the trip. In fact, we have more pictures of birds than of anything else. Even though the pictures he took may have been different than the ones I would have took, it was fun to see the trip through his eyes, and to see the things that he thought were cool and picture worthy. I really needed those pictures too, because as the trip went on he called me less and less, and in true 10 year old fashion, he hasn't told me hardly anything about the trip. It's been like pulling teeth to get information. Luckily, his teacher forwarded me all the pictures she took, and I had a long conversation with her after the trip. What a truly exciting thing for him to do. I am so thankful we were able to let him have this opportunity!

Picture of one of the HUGE pigeons.

Here is a pic of Braxton by a Paul Revere statue. Paul Revere must have really impressed Braxton because he is one of the only things Braxton has talked about.

I was so proud of Braxton. This is a pic of him on top of the Empire State Building. His teacher said that he was so scared that he was in tears on the way up. He slowly went out on the deck, and was able to conquer one of his worst fears. He is DEATHLY afraid of heights!

This is Braxton and his two friends in front of the White House. I'm sure it was taken by another 10 year old. Sorry lady who we don't even know with the cute white hat, fanny pack hiked up around your waist, and weird look on your face, but you will forever be engraved in our picture albums.

Cute things

On Cal's birthday a couple days ago, we were doing "heavy, heavy hang over", and Calvin wished Roy a motorcycle for his birthday. Well, several days later Roy still remembers it. This morning he said, "me get motorcycle for birthday, drive it to store, get milk and candy, and crash." He's always talking about this motorcycle he's getting for his birthday. Hmmm, how am I going to get around that one?

Today Braxton wanted to look at the blog. He saw the picture of himself playing soccer, and said, "wow, my hair looks really stupid long mom." This is coming from the kid that wouldn't let us cut it, and when we finally did, he sobbed as if you'd just cut his arm off. I felt bad, and told him he could grow it out, but now he's decided he doesn't like it. He says his hair looks like a "pudding bowl" (whatever that is), and he wants it cut short.

Ornery Old Goat

I'm an ornery old goat. Anden even said so. I told him whenever he thinks I am being too mean he can tell me to stop being an ornery old goat. I'll admit, over the last month or so, every since we found out we are moving, life feels so out of control, and I have not been very fun to be around. I seriously feel bad for my husband and kids. I wouldn't want to be around me.

Today as I was thinking, which I do way too much of, I started thinking about why I feel like I need to control so many things in my life. It seems like the more I feel out of control, the more I try to control the little things. Like what my kids take to the pool with them...."don't forget your goggles...that towel is too big to carry while riding your bike....stay close to each other....play with each other....watch for cars....come back right afterwards....blah, blah, blah." I feel so bad for them. Then when they don't do what I say, and I am feeling stressed the poor kids get berated..."get off the wall....that's how you got hurt before...don't you remember....what are you thinking." I have been trying not to be like this lately, and praying really hard that I am not damaging my kids for the rest of their lives. I keep saying that as soon as we move I won't feel like this, but I know I need to try harder now.

I wish I could just let it all go, and say, "who cares if the house is messy when someone comes over to look at it, my kids feel loved. So what if Roy made a trail of mud all the way to the bathroom to wash himself off, at least he knows he can count on mom to help him. Who cares if we eat cold cereal for dinner, at least my kids know that they are #1 in my life." I am going to commit to try harder. I don't ever want my kids and husband to doubt that they are loved, and right now, I don't really think they feel that way. It's time for me to stop wallowing and start loving.

Braxton found his calling!

Braxton is really good at soccer! He loves it too, and has a blast playing. The position he is best at is goalie. He sacrifices his body for the ball, and really excels at it. This year at his last game the score was tied when the time was up. Each team got a kick off. Braxton's friend Kolemen kicked the ball for their team and made it! Then Braxton was the goalie and blocked the shot kicked by the other team. Braxton was ecstatic and it really made his day! I'm so glad he has found a sport that he loves and that he is good at.Having a blast being goalie

Update

I have been way too busy, so of course my blog is the first thing to suffer. Here is a short update:

We are feeling a little better about our move. It is slowly starting to sink in and feel better. We have been fixing things in the house to get it ready to sell, and it ticks Chris off that we are making it nicer for someone else. :D Our house isn't officially on the market yet, but we have a few people already interested. Hopefully it sells quick so that will be one less thing we have to worry about.

Here are some pics from the last few months:

Here's Roy covered in mud and snot. It's so blurry because I was trying to take a picture of this sad little mess, and he was so mad that he was hitting me away!

Anden graduated from Pre-School. I'm so sad! I'm going to miss my little buddy when he goes to Kindergarten!

Here's Calvin having a blast at soccer. He really likes it and does well. He's the kid in the yellow. Check out the determination on his face!

We made these paper hats one day, and the kids looked so cute in them, but the real reason why I put this picture up is to document Roy's hair. My sister Jilyn came down a few weeks ago and cut Roy's hair. It is still long, but just shaggy and shorter (I'll show a pic once Braxton gets back from his trip with my camera), and he actually looks like a boy now. I never really understood why people called Roy a girl, since he clearly looked like a boy to me, but looking at this picture makes me realize just how long his hair had gotten and that he DID kinda look like a girl! I do miss his wavy golden locks, though.

Blanding Home for Sale

I decided to do some cheap advertising and post our home on our blog. We are sad to see it go, and love our house so much! I don't have pictures yet. Braxton has the camera with him on his trip, but here is the description:

Home for sale in Blanding, Utah. 3 bedroom (with a 4th optional bedroom we use as a playroom) 1 3/4 bath in the best neighborhood in Blanding (on a dead end street) with 1600 square feet, a double car carport, and beautiful yard on 1/4 acre. Asking $119,000. Drive by at 390 West 400 South, and if you're interested give us a call: Chris or Sarah Bishop 435-678-3115. Best offer gets it!