Ornery Old Goat

I'm an ornery old goat. Anden even said so. I told him whenever he thinks I am being too mean he can tell me to stop being an ornery old goat. I'll admit, over the last month or so, every since we found out we are moving, life feels so out of control, and I have not been very fun to be around. I seriously feel bad for my husband and kids. I wouldn't want to be around me.

Today as I was thinking, which I do way too much of, I started thinking about why I feel like I need to control so many things in my life. It seems like the more I feel out of control, the more I try to control the little things. Like what my kids take to the pool with them...."don't forget your goggles...that towel is too big to carry while riding your bike....stay close to each other....play with each other....watch for cars....come back right afterwards....blah, blah, blah." I feel so bad for them. Then when they don't do what I say, and I am feeling stressed the poor kids get berated..."get off the wall....that's how you got hurt before...don't you remember....what are you thinking." I have been trying not to be like this lately, and praying really hard that I am not damaging my kids for the rest of their lives. I keep saying that as soon as we move I won't feel like this, but I know I need to try harder now.

I wish I could just let it all go, and say, "who cares if the house is messy when someone comes over to look at it, my kids feel loved. So what if Roy made a trail of mud all the way to the bathroom to wash himself off, at least he knows he can count on mom to help him. Who cares if we eat cold cereal for dinner, at least my kids know that they are #1 in my life." I am going to commit to try harder. I don't ever want my kids and husband to doubt that they are loved, and right now, I don't really think they feel that way. It's time for me to stop wallowing and start loving.